Book of Eli

Here we have the second chapter of 2010’s post-apocalyptic movie marathon. Chapter One, “The Road,” was actually pretty good. But before anyone could even come close to wanting to see another one, unoriginal “Book of Eli” snuck its way into theaters. While Washington and Oldman played their parts well, the acting was sub par. There was not much of story, the dialogue was pathetic, and the ending was drawn out and utterly terrible. “Eli” audiences will be checking their watches many times before it finally ends. The pros: it’s easy to make spoofs of on Saturday Night Live.

The exact year is unknown, but what remains of humanity lives in a post-apocalyptic era where the most basic of necessities are fought and killed for. Washington’s character is essentially nameless, although if you stick it out long enough, or bother to recall the movie’s title, you’ll know him as Eli. He makes his way across the charred, barren landscape with an impressive amount of fighting equipment strapped to his torso, and an unstoppable determination to travel west. He also zealously guards a heavy, leather-bound tome that he calls “the book,” although clearly it’s the Bible. Anyone who tries to separate Eli from his book ends up separated from himself.

The movie was also chock-full of logical failures. While a character like Eli does radiate pure awesomeness with every step, all of the violence and carnage generated wherever he goes doesn’t really seem typical of a man ordered by God himself to carry the last Holy Bible to safety. Also, people in “Eli” don’t seem to feel pain. A man gets his hand cut off, and he just looks at it. No screaming, no falling to the ground in agony, or anything. It doesn’t even bleed all that much. This same thing happens a few more times before the film’s inevitable end. Unfortunately, the end came about an hour too late.

The ending of the movie was awful. Eli, the immortal messenger of God, the one who is mysteriously protected by an invisible force at all times, died because the bad guy shot him in the stomach. How profound. The director was kind of enough to provide a twist at the end, however. The only problem was, most everyone saw it coming in the first half hour of the movie.

All things considered, the film was an unoriginal waste of time and money, and it earns 2 out of 10 stars. One star each for Washington and Oldman, but otherwise a terrible movie. It’s definitely not worth seeing in theaters, though maybe worth renting in a few months, if you’re fond of apocalypse movies.